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Policing For Dummies

(Note: I posted this last year and archived it several months later, along with many other blog postings. I am reposting it for those who have recently joined the website).

Math For Dummies, Biology For Dummies, Science For Dummies, Physics For Dummies...hey, why not Policing For Dummies? It's way past due, especially in a country where liberal progressives think that police work constitutes nothing more than a bunch of rednecks with guns cruising neighborhoods looking for minorities to shoot. I hate to burst an ideological bubble which dictates that any interaction between police and minorities constitutes racism and, if you're a liberal, apologize in advance for not being there to hold your hand as you read this and provide you with a hug and a safe space. Sometimes the best lessons learned are the painful ones.

Chapter One: Not Everything You Watch On TV Is True!

Shocking, right? Because you thought only FoxNews lied! But, believe it or not, when CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, or PBS carry a banner headline announcing that the police have committed some egregious act, it is absolutely necessary to engage your brain and utilize critical thinking skills (CTS). CTS are those activities that occur on the left side of the brain and promote logic and analysis of a situation (the irony being that most "lefties" are only capable of right side emotional responses, i.e. feelings).

Always remember, a TV report will not give you all the facts and information surrounding any given scenario (I know, bitter pill to swallow), but reporters are paid to appeal to the emotions of a viewer. Appealing to the emotions of a viewer is a strategy better known as "ratings," and are extremely important to the job security of the asshat with the seven-figure salary who is speculating (but presenting as fact) that the police misconduct occurred because of (pick one): systemic racism, a war on minorities, police militarization, xenophobia, systemic (there's that word again) police brutality, historically oppressed or marginalized ethnic groups, and so forth and so on.

Chapter Two: Not All Cops Are White Males!

No, really, it's true. You probably just dropped your latte, but fall back and regroup, kitten, because it's not just a rumor! There are Black, Latino, Asian, and (gasp) female cops!!! Yes!!! They exist!!! Even homosexuals and lesbians patrol your streets!!! De veras, güey!!!

Chapter Three: Cops Actually Resolve Situations Without Using Firearms!

You know how liberal Hollywood makes millions of dollars producing action movies where actors playing cops shoot thousands of rounds in ninety minutes and never have to make police reports documenting it? That isn't how cops actually do their jobs. Seriously, it isn't. In fact, any cop who has ever had an on-duty shooting knows about the lengthy, thorough and professional investigation that takes place, and the consequences, up to and including termination, of not being within use-of-force guidelines. Over the course of a career of 20+ years, studies show that only about 27% of officers will ever discharge a firearm, and most of those just once. I know, unbelievable. Almost as unbelievable as knowing that the same people who denounce police as trigger happy and engaging in systemic brutality are the ones making movies promoting gun violence.

Chapter Four: If You Punch A Cop, They Are Going To Hit Back!

I know, dude, totally lacking in compassion and completely insensitive, but you have to know that if you strike a law enforcement officer they are going to give you a whooping mommy and daddy should have given you as a kid. See, parents that don't teach their kids the difference between right and wrong, which sometimes includes a spanking (I know, liberals, a swat on the rear end constitutes domestic violence in your book, but bear with me) can count on children growing into adults who don't feel they should be held accountable for their actions. Kids who get the pinche chancla know better, and grow into adults who respect boundaries (the literal translation of chancla is flip-flop, as in a shower shoe. The Urban Dictionary defines chancla as "the deadliest weapon known to a Latin kid; a flying flip-flop). Special thanks to my Mexican-born wife for educating me on this.

Chapter Five: Shut Up and Listen

This may be the hardest chapter to comprehend, so if you're a liberal you might need to read it repeatedly and hopefully you will grasp the content. When a cop tells you that a street is closed to traffic, or you cannot proceed beyond a certain point without the proper credentials, or you got pulled over for violating a traffic law, it's not personal. They are not picking on you because of (pick a flavor): race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religious beliefs, economic disposition, or social standing. I know it is popular to be a victim, but sometimes you have to put on your big boy or big girl pants and be accountable for your actions.

Chapter Six: Freedom of Speech

Buckle up, buttercup, because this chapter is important. If you are of the mindset that you have a constitutional right to say, scream, yell, or otherwise communicate in an unrestrained profane manner, your dislike of the police to the cop on the beat, a thought process usually precipitated by the influence of liquor and/or drugs, think twice. Local ordinances regarding disorderly conduct have, in general, withstood the test of time and appellate court scrutiny, and are on the books not to protect the cops but to provide society with an established norm for acceptable behavior.

Most cops have patience when dealing with a screaming crybaby and will do their best to not put handcuffs on you. But get up in the officer's face and make him/her feel threatened, or continue your disorderly conduct even though you've been asked twenty-six times to please settle down, and you may be introduced face first to Mr. Sidewalk, or his neighbor Mr. Asphalt. Always best to live by the Golden Rule: Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In 21st century parlance that translates to: "Act Like An Asshole, Get Treated Like One."

Chapter Seven: Viewpoints and Opinions

Believe it or not, there is more than one side to a story and there are people in the world who have opinions different from yours. When the cops are called because you are in a heated argument with someone who has the audacity to apply logic and reason to the subject at hand, screaming loud does not make you more convincing or right. It just makes you sound like the liberal loudmouth ass that you are. Take a deep breath, blow it out slowly, and listen with your ears, not your mouth.

Chapter Eight: It's Not Fair

This is the shortest chapter. You're right, life isn't fair. Get over it.

Chapter Nine: The Police Are Not Insensitive

Never confuse professionalism with not caring, cupcake. Just because you called for us doesn't mean we will take your side (and in general we are confused as to why you called in the first place, considering you're constant harping that we be defunded and dismantled). Cops know the law. It is our job to know it. We consider the Rule of Law to be very important. When you call us demanding that we take action in a situation, and we explain to you that we cannot because of Ordinance X or Statute Y, we are not being insensitive. We are doing our job. Please note the difference.

Chapter Ten: Anybody Can Be A Cop

No, they can't. In fact, for every 100 people who apply for the job, only about 60 will show up to take the test. Out of those, roughly 24 will pass. The oral board will knock out half of those, and the background investigation/polygraph that follows 75% more. That means there are three left out of the original 100 who applied. One will fail the physical agility test and the other the psychological. That leaves one candidate who will hopefully endure the six-month academy, 14 week field training phase, and one-year probation. This person has personal and professional standards that you, the liberal, will never know in your life, and if you had to endure the same level of qualification for your job, whatever it may be, you wouldn't make it. And you know it. And that is why you hate cops.

Epilogue: There are people in the world who have the courage to perform the job of policing. If that scares you, you could be a liberal. Fortunately, for you, it is not against the law to be a candy ass. You are free to be as disingenuous a person as you choose, but always remember: no matter how big of an ass you make of yourself, the cops will be there for you no matter what.

It's what we do.


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