Café Pendejo

Welcome to Café Pendejo, a liberal progressive hangout started in the 1960s which has served generations of malcontents, crybabies, twits, twerps, idiots, airheads, complainers and draft dodgers with the finest in nonsensical notions, delusional beliefs, unrealistic ideas, implausible perceptions, asinine thought processes, and out of touch opinions manufactured to fit any radical concept. Our menu is second to none when it comes to satisfying a palate of double talk, contradictions, sophistry, and irrational behavior. Our whine list features such timeless classics as Cry Me A River Cabernet, Sugarcoat It Chardonnay, and our favorite label from the Baboso Vineyard: How Did Trump Win Viognier.


TODAY'S SPECIALS


Bitch and Moan Burger---A quarter-pound of the biggest bunch of BS you've ever dreamed about, served with all the toppings (rank stupidity, obsolete ideas, and obstinate viewpoints). Comes with a side of whiny disposition. We suggest a glass of our Rancor Red whine with this meal.


Whine Wedge---For the light appetite. If you've spent your day complaining about everything conservative and need something light to compliment your IQ, the whine wedge is perfect for you. Seasoned with acrimony and an apparent inability to reason, we recommend you pair it with Gullible Grigio.


A Big Bowl Of Stupid---Hey, nothing says progressive liberal like the ability to scream out a spurious narrative taken straight from the broadcast booth at CNN, and this bowl doesn't disappoint. Full of numbnut ideals, limited intellect and a teaspoon of fake news, it comes with a side of flag burning. We recommend our wallowing white guilt whine with this jewel.


Pendejo Platter---The meal that put us on the map gives you something to stick in that big fat complaining mouth of yours, and if this meal isn't liberal progressive heaven, we don't know what is. Our chef takes a heaping helping of aversion to hard work, mixes it with a secret ingredient that will bring back childhood memories of complaining because you were asked to do a chore, blends that with a special combination of thumb-up-the-ass do nothing behavior and a bad attitude, and voila! you're slurping it down like the two-faced, untrustworthy, crybaby sack of manure that you are. Pair it with Mealy Mouth Merlot and you're set!


Hurt Feelings Fresco---We know how it feels to hear the truth, and that combination of hurt feelings and insensitivity to your needs led us to create this wonderfully fresh dish of self-centeredness with a touch of pouting and a dash of denial. Served up on a bed of petty behavior, this is sure to satisfy the most narcissistic liberal. Try it with a flute of our Boohoo Brut.


Whining Pussy Plate---Not really a meal, this is more like an hors d'oeuvre we like to classify as an appetizer for problem children. Like your thought process, this meal lacks substance, and our chef adds a tablespoon of pure ignorance and a dram of dolt to enhance the exquisite flavors of foolishness and borderline retard. Goes best with a nice big glass of shut the fuck up (courtesy of Conservative Vineyards). Minority liberal progressives must pay a 2.5% surcharge for this plate (don't ask why, you already know the reason. You voted for it. Some day you'll learn).


Self-serving Soup & Salad---This combo never fails to please, and the flavors of the day give you a choice of carping, griping, fussing, or bellyaching in a bowl, with a good-sized plate of What About Me and your choice of hoax, shakedown, fraud, or sham toppings. Any way you put it together, this is a truly liberal act of consumption. Try it with a glass of Gender Confusion Cabernet.


DESSERTS

Open Borders Brûlée

Gun Control Cake

Pelosi Pudding

Walls Are Evil Ice Cream

Gee It Isn't Fair Gelato

Our signature Pendejo Pie

and of course out most popular liberal treat:

I Hate Trump Pastry.


Due to COVID-19 concerns, all customers must wear a mask unless you are rioting, looting, burning, or attacking law enforcement.















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J.R. LONSWAY

AUTHOR | RETIRED DEPUTY CHIEF OF POLICE

J.R. Lonsway served 22 years with the Las Cruces, New Mexico, police department and retired as a Deputy Chief of Police. After retirement he served with the U.S. Department of State as a police advisor in Kosovo, Afghanistan, Liberia, Haiti, Lebanon, and South Sudan. He is a former U.S. Marine.

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